Following the MG

A part in me wants to wreck it all and cause it.. Give it one last final blow and blow it all away, but then there is another one ( a lil more sensible one) which asks me to mend it. No prizes for guessing the intensity of the two. Knowing me one would know that mending piece of me is very feeble and quake it cries with forces naturally associated with any quake. Yet if one really knows me would know the abhor I pent for disharmony. I love things in perfect synch with one another.

Harping a little deeper in my trepidation I fail to understand why do we(that includes me too) fail to cherish the little worthwhile of life and cherish trifles. I understand that to understand someone's situation is difficult but how difficult is it to understand someone if one has been through the same. Or is it just our own insecurities the cloud us from taking it in stride and accepting and moving on.

Rather we delve on it and cause it..

An eye for an eye will leave us all blind, I know, and that this is not the right recourse to take but why does the part of me that wants to cause havoc scream foul so frequently and so vociferously.

reminiscence: My first Honeymoon...(an apology to a friend)

reminiscence: My first Honeymoon...(an apology to a friend)

That lil bit xtra

Come alone now don tell me u don want that extra bit of cream all over ur chocolate-shake that too its all for free..
What will u not do to have it..
Remember your Mum told ya “Kiddo nothing in life comes for free..” yet the lust for that untimely insane infatuation of free doesn’t go off us.. The longing for that extra bit, though might not look substantial, shrouds the promise of bringing that devoured pleasure to us.
This is not just the market dynamics that I m talking about. I know most of what I have spoken thus far looks so market oriented. The word "free", since times immemorial has been established itself as the biggest USP for any product, pizzas to planes. So, where does it come from? Basic, very basic psychology, from our own day to day dealings we have since incubated this longing for that lil extra.
Remember the school time examinations, how often have we craved for those few extra coveted minutes! And what about the equal share of pie wid our siblings, how oft have we wanted that extra bit from the others share and what great logic “giving away that lil tini-mini bit wont hurt him/her” . Well bro why don’t u take the initiative go ahead, give ur sibling the upper hand in gormandizing. After all bible says gluttony is a sin. Yet our need for that lil bit transforms itself into greed and then lo!! There we go what do we have? We have Israel-Palestine, India-Pakistan.
How can one forget the college/school days first crush or as some prefer calling it love as (if we really know what love actually is) when all you wanted was your (could be) better half to prolong their stay or call for may be just another few minutes, 5 minutes will do, no no, even 2 will do, ok we settle down for ½ a min. Wonder what in the world do we ever plan to do in these procrastinated 30 seconds which we couldn’t accomplish in hours of time we spent together. Its even justifiable to have a rare few occasions but we all know how rare such occasions are when we don’t long for those lil extra few minutes and then there we go we have started realizing the real relish of procrastination. And procrastinate we will, every thing every time we can.. no matter thousands of cases are still to see day light in the may be equal number of courts at different levels in India.

One may argue there is a vast array of considerations we must consider prior to making any such observation but at the heart of all lies the fact that are we justified in making such an observation !! Have we ever tried to do that extra bit what we expect the world to give to us. It percolates to a very basic understanding that if all want is to gain that extra bit without contributing any, the world will exhaust itself of that extra bit and even the basic required bit.
Extrapolating the same logic to the basics that there are no “freebies” we shall understand that if the freebie really exist, for which we don’t haf ta forfeit a bit, where do they come from and why do they not naturally exhaust because its not mortally possible to have a perpetual altruistic provider and an ever receiving docile servile beneficiary. If it ever be possible, it mocks the law of conservation and then we will have to write our text afresh from scratch.

The Rebel

The Rebel that for ever has been in me has always made me go trudge the forbidden territory.
And this doesnt come all of a sudden in me. I dont know when did I develope it but whenever as far as i can remember I have always been one.
As a kid, as a day scholar, the importance of education couldn't been more emphasized, the rote education that is. No doubt it did make me the man I am today but even then I couldn't have tried harder at the sports parts of my education rather then the mundane curriculum. I did all i could to be in the school teams of Volley ball and Table Tennis. I have been really gud at them then.
Then came the first major change of my life. The hostel life in the majestic grandeur of Darjeeling mountains. There they couldn't have laid more pressure on me to develop my co-curricular side but then I topped my school there.
Come to think of it there wasnt much of pressure upon me in the latter two institutions I been to. DPS was lax. And frankly I didnt achieve much out of it. Infact more of a loss then gain there. I ruined it all there hehhehe.. Absolutely did all i shouldnt have. Absolute fun frolic which at that stage of life wasnt the right thing to do.
Anywys then came BIT. Even here there wasnt much to ponder upon. Intially I was doin well on my education part, but then I realised its the only time for me to develop myself to be the man I see myself to be and here I am being wht I am. BIT formed a great part of me. DPS ruined a lot of me. SPS moulded me and MAS shaped me.

Scream, Shout Kill & Die..

I have started hating myself for all have been all this time. I feel so wretched. Shit man wht have i come to.. For the first time today, while reading a certain passage, I realised that I have become an addict. Dont get me wrong here. Its not an addiction of fag booze or grass or anything as such, but ya something equally intoxicating. I mean all this while I was looking for a word to define my state. Been wondering what is it. Is it this or is it that? And here I m today got my answer, its nothing more then some fucked up addiction. What else can it be? Exactly that situation where you know its bad for you to fag, and still you fag. You have come a long way since you derive pleasure of the addiction and the wht you do now is because you just feel the urge to do it. You feel you just cant make the ends meet widout it.
I have been trying hard to quit it, did even quit it a few times, yet 1 sip and am back to square one. I dont know wht to day. I m got damn motherfucking dumbheaded moron and now no one can ever help me out of this. All my well wishers have tried all they can to cajole me out of it.
Every symptom points only to one thing. You know its harming you, your life, your behavior yet you do it. You know its not the right thing to do yet dont know why you still do it..
Its killing me.. I want to get out of.. But i dont hv enough strength to. I have lost it all and am still loosing it..
I want to scream, I want to shout. I want to kill, I want to die....

The Final S.O.S.

What is it in me..? Why am i doin it to myself? Wid the stream rolling down my cheeks, I still m willing to do all i can to comfort you?
I must be the biggest moron on the earth to believe even a single word u ever said, and I put all my trust in you.. Those flowery lines that with which each day I thot had made a headway, little did I realise wht was coming my way.
The have all forsaken me, the lords and the angles.. Cherubim & Seraphim
What am I to do now? Somebody help me.. Show me what to do next... I m on the never ending path of self destruction..
Forgive me my lord..

The Ignominious Ignore..

Doing something one really abhors.. difficult.. but m doin it now and God alone knows whts the out come, all i know in long term at least gud for 2 ppl. I for ever have held that to ignore someone is the worst we can do to one. Tis as gud as denying the one ones very existence. Filthy idea. I have been at the receiving end of it myself and trust me doesnt feel gud at all. Infact sux. Not for tht u start hating the one ignoring u but for that u end up hating urself in case the one ignoring is someone very dear to u. All the more to add insult to injury the one ignoring is least bothered.
It literally sux the life blood out of u. And then to know the truth at times u gotta turn the table.

Like i spoke in my earlier posts that knowing whts right and doin lie in two different realms. Well al I m trying to do is cause the least harm to myself and hence to the one at the receiving end. I alone know how difficult is it to do wht i m doin now.. N shall never be able to justify.

May I have the strength to consummate the race..

The Paradox of a Life..

How rare is it to meet people who make you feel that you are not totally worthless hehehehehe... Well on the other hand you do have a bunch full of people who constantly are making all endevours
to make believe that you are living in futility. Let me speak of the former rather than latter right now. Who would not want more of such people around oneself?
The man I am talking about is Ayan(hope i got the spelling right). The gentleman has and interesting bit about himself. A couple of years ago he did his graduation in engg from Jadavpur Univ Kolkata, India, and was one of the millions hit by the I.T. slump and hence got no job in India for the meager education he has got. The jobs here are only for Post Graduates and not Graduates. So on being advised went ahead and did his masters from London I believe Greenwich. Now this time he was hit again but only by I.T. boom in India. The paradox being that he gets a job with one of the most prestigious org. Oracle App. U.K. but for management positions. And our man wasn't looking for a managers chair come along he did techi degree for nothing. To this the management, Oracle apps manament has to say "Sir all our techie jobs have been moved to India and infact every other company here has shifted their biz to India. So now he gets no Job in U.K.
Well if things for him would have ended here but no. After living his life to lees and loving the Queen to core with a heavy heart he had to come back to where he "actually belonged" and start looking for job. Like you would have guessed by now again no jobs for him. Why?? Well he is too qualified for the jobs in here. And the kinda jobs he is looking were only given to Graduates and not Post Graduates. Well the job isn't at all different from what he was looking for earlier when he was told we only need Post Graduates and not Graduates heheheheheheh.
So how do I connect to Ayan? We met in train on our way to Bangalore. He was on for his interview at Oracle, where he was told the above, and me back to my college from my hols. I have had umpteen number of encounters on train I could share with all. And I have more often then not ended up making great Pals with the ones I meet on train. One of them is this. Well I promised him a few contacts of some H.R. in case he doesnt make it to Oracle as destined. Upon reaching Bangalore I just delivered as promised as and when required and was in touch with him for sometime during his harder days, and as God will have it lost him too.
Well we lost each other and infact had no memory of him any more. Well but then again one fine day some two years latter my phone rang.. and it was him again. More than happy i was surprised that the man would remember me or even bother to call me. Come along not many do it these days.
And Guess what he one of my contacts of high leverage has worked out for him. Lucky he. He has been working there since and been out for a long while and hence says wasnt able to drop a line and he goes on to add that yet was sure that would meet me up to thank me for all my help. Oh come along wht help some contact numbers and just putting you through a couple of people I dont think that thats too much to remember someone for. Well I haven't met many who do so.
And we did meet and relieved those moments of his hardship.
After long did he call me up again and with the same alacrity to see me up. Just plain simple gagging nothing else. Well really made me glad that the man still luks forward to see me up...

Well m left speechless..
Cheers to life...

The Best Kept Secrets..

Trudging down the aisle of life how often are we are led to believe that our worst kept secrets are actually kept secret from the ones we would rather not share with. And those who come to know our secrets they keep it close to their bosoms for reason more then we could think of. Some would use it to get back at you(revenge they say),while others not to hurt others. I right now fall in the second half of it. And m doing all I can to for someone to know that the secrets they keep from me are the secrets I would never know. Yet I would want them to know that tis no use keeping it from me for I know it all. Every bit much more than they could ever think of. Or may be slightly less. But I cant help it...... or Can I??

Provoking Thots..

Knowing wht is right to do and doin wht is right to do are two different realms of life.. More often then not we know or if I m allowed to say even are sure wht is right but then then the hassles arrive only when we decide to do. To shackle all status quo is difficult task for us all. Even though we know that the rewards of the errand run are pretty high, not till we are sure that stakes are high do we make the move. Then comes the part of trail. The move where we have to make the move based on our decisions and for this we have our Lord's Prayer "Save us from the time of Trail".
How many of us have grossly sinned in looking out for someone to pin up for what has completely been our own decision. This thought was provoked by someone very dear to me stating that "Owning up to my own decisions at the end of the day alone seems valid to me". The person spoken of in here further says, no tis the way everyone in the world behave. Well well wht to say but magnanimous. Wish half the ppl around get such magnanimity the world for sure will be much finer a place to live.
How difficult is it to own up to ones own thot and how easy to get someone to be the escape goat for erring we err. The last few weeks have been really horrendous for me and serves as fine example for this. It has pained me deeply to see that this is the real world. Not to say i m idealist but may be I gotta get groomed better for this world. People all over, no matter who, are just been around to hog up all the lime light. It doesnt even count, no matter it belongs to them or not, If it is coveted(desired by all) it is their. Everyone is out there just to snatch what belongs, not to them and I m perfectly meddled(confused) whom to trust and whom to look up to? The answer here comes is that You know the right answer is none but then again the right thing to do isnt tht.
Then again my neighbour at work a nice lady of grace(atleast is pretty nice to me), the things she told me("sayin inspite of being a lady myself I say") and wht my mentor taught me mostly abt the fairer sex(gals) and how it completely falls in line wid my own exp wid that someone dear.. Ofcourse what they were saying wasnt something very nice and i had to take it with a pinch of salt(very bitter).. Jees all i can hope is tht it not being true. For if it were true, I would loose all my hope in humanity..
GOD Save my Soul.. In thee I trust my Heart..
So Long...

Just a Passing thot..

I myself dont know if the disappointment is justified or am i just over reacting. They say i m over reacting. But then where is the nemesis they speak about. Or is it the poetic nemesis that i m seeing it myself or is it just he boredom which has crept in. Hopelessnes itself has its own prizes but its a leech which sucks on your life blood. Just the other day i heard someone say, "you are blessed for you have seen so many disappointments so early in your life.. all the more it provides you greater immunity to life. you rise above it all for the gud of you alone." I do see a justification in all i read, hear and experience. Agree that obstacles and patience are the sole tools to your success but then sometimes i doubt my limits. I m trusting on my will to mop it up wid the shroud i hold still i hope not to vent it on when i shouldnt have.

What You Will...

In retrospection, being preoccupied wid ones own thot abt whts been done, we often over look whts not been done or for that matter whts been undone. The very thot of inexixtence of something attimes is traumatizing yet at others is thrilling. This brings another presuppositon and that is the thot of fear that inhibits our actions. They say fear fear and fear no fear, but fear of wht. Ages been since we been fearing and sages been talking about wht we fear. Fear of Unknown is a fear which i believe by far supercede all fears. We know doin wht we are doing bring consequences but we dont know wht consequenses. The exictement of this unknow bring to light the unknowing extacy of hope. What would a man not do if he has hope and wht becomes of him when the same is belied.

My first Honeymoon...(an apology to a friend)

Last week, for me, has been a week not all of us look forward with bated breaths. Not that it had something exceptionally out of way happening but was kinda all together new exp for me. Deviating a bit, leme first jot wht provoked this sudden gust of scribing in me. In the course of the week I received a lot many mails(no big deal everyone gets, so...), many specifically rebuking me for my negligence of their mail. One which got my attention was "Dude whr the F*** r u honeymooning".

So here I m telling you all abt my Honeymoon. The exp sure exalted all imaginative boundaries. The same excitement, sleepless nights, feel of the first touch, the first prick(many more to come latter).. and finally the insertion. I would request the ladies to kindly excuse me for no better desciption fits in here.

But pal this isnt the answer to your question right.. So where was i Honeymooning and then ofcourse wid whom :).. Honeymoons in India is not always consumated wid the ones who are special to you but at times people become speacial in here. At times the stranger befall the tragedies you are to see together. But my partner in crime was pretty much well known to me. Someone who already has been very special for me.

So to answer the real question where? Not Simla buddy॥ But Mallya॥ there we were two of us। One on bed another on the closest possible couch(only if you can call it)..

Save reverence well Malya of which I speak of is a highly esteemed hospital in here and the special someone in question has been my sweet lil stupid bro..