The Rebel

The Rebel that for ever has been in me has always made me go trudge the forbidden territory.
And this doesnt come all of a sudden in me. I dont know when did I develope it but whenever as far as i can remember I have always been one.
As a kid, as a day scholar, the importance of education couldn't been more emphasized, the rote education that is. No doubt it did make me the man I am today but even then I couldn't have tried harder at the sports parts of my education rather then the mundane curriculum. I did all i could to be in the school teams of Volley ball and Table Tennis. I have been really gud at them then.
Then came the first major change of my life. The hostel life in the majestic grandeur of Darjeeling mountains. There they couldn't have laid more pressure on me to develop my co-curricular side but then I topped my school there.
Come to think of it there wasnt much of pressure upon me in the latter two institutions I been to. DPS was lax. And frankly I didnt achieve much out of it. Infact more of a loss then gain there. I ruined it all there hehhehe.. Absolutely did all i shouldnt have. Absolute fun frolic which at that stage of life wasnt the right thing to do.
Anywys then came BIT. Even here there wasnt much to ponder upon. Intially I was doin well on my education part, but then I realised its the only time for me to develop myself to be the man I see myself to be and here I am being wht I am. BIT formed a great part of me. DPS ruined a lot of me. SPS moulded me and MAS shaped me.

Scream, Shout Kill & Die..

I have started hating myself for all have been all this time. I feel so wretched. Shit man wht have i come to.. For the first time today, while reading a certain passage, I realised that I have become an addict. Dont get me wrong here. Its not an addiction of fag booze or grass or anything as such, but ya something equally intoxicating. I mean all this while I was looking for a word to define my state. Been wondering what is it. Is it this or is it that? And here I m today got my answer, its nothing more then some fucked up addiction. What else can it be? Exactly that situation where you know its bad for you to fag, and still you fag. You have come a long way since you derive pleasure of the addiction and the wht you do now is because you just feel the urge to do it. You feel you just cant make the ends meet widout it.
I have been trying hard to quit it, did even quit it a few times, yet 1 sip and am back to square one. I dont know wht to day. I m got damn motherfucking dumbheaded moron and now no one can ever help me out of this. All my well wishers have tried all they can to cajole me out of it.
Every symptom points only to one thing. You know its harming you, your life, your behavior yet you do it. You know its not the right thing to do yet dont know why you still do it..
Its killing me.. I want to get out of.. But i dont hv enough strength to. I have lost it all and am still loosing it..
I want to scream, I want to shout. I want to kill, I want to die....

The Final S.O.S.

What is it in me..? Why am i doin it to myself? Wid the stream rolling down my cheeks, I still m willing to do all i can to comfort you?
I must be the biggest moron on the earth to believe even a single word u ever said, and I put all my trust in you.. Those flowery lines that with which each day I thot had made a headway, little did I realise wht was coming my way.
The have all forsaken me, the lords and the angles.. Cherubim & Seraphim
What am I to do now? Somebody help me.. Show me what to do next... I m on the never ending path of self destruction..
Forgive me my lord..